dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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