What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
