Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize