I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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