I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
