How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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