walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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