i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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