Redeem this text for a blowjob
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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