Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
