aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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