i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize