I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
