My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
