Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
