Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
