I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
