I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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