I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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