Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
