Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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