my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
