Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
She announced her abortion via fbk
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
