In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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