I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
