never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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