I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize