I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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