Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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