I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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