tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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