i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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