I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
