She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
