Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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