did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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