She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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