She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
