Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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