so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
