3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
