a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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