I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
