our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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