Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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