Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
