this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
