you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize