Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
