Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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