Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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