I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
