I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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