One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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