i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
