Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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