i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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