Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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