at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
