I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
