The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
