You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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