So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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