theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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