I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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